


press pause and kindly remind me

by akajung



Series: before the moon wanes again [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-21 12:30:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akajung/pseuds/akajung
Summary: If Jaehyun is always there to save him when he’s drowning, then Taeyong supposes it’s only natural if he’s always there to find Jaehyun when he's lost, too.





	press pause and kindly remind me

**Author's Note:**

> for my demon cancer, [riri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailingfreely) ♡ 

“Um, hyung, where are you?” Doyoung’s voice comes out from the comm, not exactly worried but more disappointed, if anything. Like he’s expected this, but didn’t really think Taeyong would do it for real. Well, his mistake, then. “You’re not where I need you to be.”

“Yeah, I’ll get back to this later,” Taeyong says. He wonders if turning off the comm right now to stop Doyoung from bothering him every few seconds will be worth the shitstorm that he’ll definitely kick up later.

“You can’t just _reschedule_ a mission whenever you see fit,” Doyoung says after a pause. His tone is now reasonably distraught, and Taeyong just shrugs before he reaches his hand to his comm and turns it off without any more word said. There. He’ll deal with Doyoung later, it’s alright. Right now Jaehyun’s kind of his first priority, and he brings his phone to his face again, checking if the blinking blue dot in his digital map is still on the same spot as it was the first time Taeyong checked. Jaehyun’s mail is still pinned on his notification bar, the words _hyung I need you_ etched across the screen.

He’s moved, but still close enough for Taeyong to find without having to get to the car. So Taeyong tucks his Beretta M9 back into the holster and slings up the bag filled with bullets and meds over his shoulder. He only has a few minutes before Doyoung loses his patience completely and tries to do something else, so he needs to be quick.

Find Jaehyun and fix whatever the hell is wrong with him, kill later.

 

 

“Hey,” Taeyong says, as soon as he spots Jaehyun’s familiar dirty-blond hair. The man in question is sitting on the bottom step of a metal staircase in an alley. He looks up at Taeyong when Taeyong’s already in front of him, and there’s a conspicuous bleeding graze on his cheek. His shirt, too, now that Taeyong’s close enough to see him better, is a bit ruined, and there’s blood on his knuckles. “Christ, Jaehyun, you’re a fucking sniper. What the hell are you doing, getting into a fistfight?”

“Not my fault,” Jaehyun says. “I won, though.”

Taeyong drops his bag and kneels on the ground. His hand finds its way to Jaehyun’s, thumb slipping under the cuff of his sleeves. Jaehyun’s skin is warm and soft to the touch. “I didn’t ask that, but you okay there?”

“Yeah.” Jaehyun pauses, frowning. Then, “No, not really.”

Taeyong smiles. “You were gonna lie just now, weren’t you?”

“Mayhaps, but it’s just you, so I thought…” Jaehyun’s voice trails off into a stop, and he still refuses to look at Taeyong in the eye, for whatever reason. Taeyong pulls his hand away from Jaehyun’s wrist only to place it on his cheek, carefully missing his cut. Jaehyun leans into his touch like he always does – like a puppy, a disgusted Yuta would say. A puppy in love.

( _Maybe I am, fuck off_ would probably be Jaehyun’s most immediate response, much to both the embarrassment and delight of Taeyong.)

“We basically breathe lies everyday doing this, but remember our pact, alright?” Taeyong says. “No lying to each other if you can help it.”

“Mm.”

“Wanna to talk about it?”

Jaehyun seems reluctant, as always when it comes to things that he thinks are making him look weak, so Taeyong doesn’t press him. He’s curious, but if the cost of that curiosity is Jaehyun’s misery, then maybe he won’t persist. Their lives are already built on a mountain of discomfort and discarded morals, Jaehyun doesn’t need him to add more to it.

It seems like Taeyong sitting down next to him and pressing their arms together ease up a bit of Jaehyun’s tension, though. Taeyong watches from his peripheral vision as Jaehyun’s shoulders relax and his ragged breathing stabilizes. The seemingly – though not really – perpetual frown on his face also fades the longer they’re there together, and when he seems like he’s finally back to normal again, he sighs and starts pinching the bridge of his nose – something he always does whenever he’s going to say something that is difficult for him to say.

“I met,” Jaehyun begins, still pinching on his nose, “Someone from my old life.”

Taeyong hums. “Who?”

“A friend from high school,” Jaehyun says. “He recognized me. In the coffee shop while I was with Sicheng. He followed me all the way outside and started a fuss when I insisted that I didn’t know him.”

“So you punched him?”

Jaehyun winces. “He punched me first.”

“Ah,” Taeyong says, after a long pause. “Were you guys close?”

“The tightest,” Jaehyun dejectedly says. “He was like a brother to me. I guess when someone’s supposed to be dead, they shouldn’t walk around in their old best friend’s hometown.”

“This is his hometown?”

“Yep.”

“How are you feeling now?”

“I’m just craving death, nothing new.”

“Mm. Where’s he now?”

“Knocked him out after my third punch. Sicheng’s taking him to Taeil’s place right now, see if the guy could try and erase his memories of meeting me today, or else I’m fucked.” Jaehyun pauses to run his fingers through his hair frustratedly. “If the Institute found out I’m gonna end up like Hansol, dammit. They’re gonna transfer me away to Berlin or some shit.”

Taeyong can’t help but to smile. “Hansol’s doing pretty well in Berlin, just saying.”

“There’s no you in Berlin,” Jaehyun immediately quips. “So no thanks.”

“Aww,” Taeyong says, and he grins as he pats Jaehyun’s arm. “Nice save, handsome, but Code 21B, first section: you are not allowed to flirt with your colleague on the job.”

Jaehyun actually stops to think if Taeyong’s being serious. “Dude, the Code’s only got twenty. You made that shit up,” he finally says, after a good two minutes. His face is scrunched up adorably in confusion. _Truly a puppy_ , Taeyong thinks. “And you flirted with me first. You called me handsome.”

“I sure did,” Taeyong says. “And you sure are.”

 

 

“So did you fail your mission?” Taeyong asks later, when they’ve migrated from the back alley and are now walking down the street of an open market in town. Taeyong’s tried his best to patch Jaehyun up earlier. He’s not good at it, but at least people won’t stare at Jaehyun weirdly now for walking around with a battered face.

“Nah, I told Yuta I ran into trouble and he let me off.” Jaehyun’s hand brushes against Taeyong’s often as they make their way through the crowd, and Taeyong wonders if Jaehyun wants to hold his hand. He probably does. Taeyong will continue to pretend he doesn’t notice, though. “Yukhei’s taking care of it right now, so it’s all cool.”

“Yukhei?”

“Mm-hmm, tall guy. Hong Kong. Super handsome. Can’t shut up to save his life.”

“Ah, the newbie. The one who always hangs with Mark?”

“Yeah, that one. He’s pretty good with his aim if you can get him to calm down first. Fortunately, that’s Kun’s job, not mine.”

“Nice.”

“Did you ditch yours?”

“You guessed it. Doyoung’s probably going to murder me later, but what wouldn’t I do for my baby, right?”

“Wow,” Jaehyun scoffs, but his voice is fond when he speaks, and he finally connects their hands together, fingers sliding smoothly underneath his palm before interweaving themselves with Taeyong’s. Jaehyun’s hold is always warm and firm and comforting, even if his hands are blood-stained. Not like Taeyong’s hands are any better, anyway. “You’re willing to let Doyoung end you for my sake. That’s real love right there.”

 

 

Jaehyun is two years younger, and less stiff than Taeyong when he first joined the Institute. Taeyong remembers watching him from the second floor of the training ground when he was still this young boy, barely eighteen, trying his best not to get cut up by Yuta’s knife or dodging Johnny’s relentless punches nicely.

Jaehyun’s always been an all-arounder; he’s good at everything, and that was obvious from the very start. He’s good with knives, he’s good with guns. He’s great at mixing up poison and he was on the top of his survival training classes while he was still a trainee. As long as Taeyong can remember, Jaehyun;s always been acing everything. He even remembers feeling threatened by the Promising Rookie that was Jaehyun Jung, embarrassingly enough.

“What are you afraid of?” Doyoung had asked back then, when Taeyong reluctantly confided in him about it. “He’s never going to best you, just saying.”

“How can you be so sure? Beginners always surpass their predecessors in the end.”

“Yeah, in the end,” Doyoung said, emphasizing heavily on the word _end_. “This is barely the beginning, hyung. You’re worrying too much.”

 _That’s kinda my job_ , Taeyong thought, but he didn’t say it out loud.

Something more startling was that Jaehyun never, ever appeared tired, or agitated, _or_ unfriendly.  Taeyong even hated him for this at one point in his life as a hired killer. It was ridiculous, he now knows, but still. It was also unfair, because Taeyong dealt with all kinds of distress when he first joined – he climbed up the rank at the cost of his own blood, sweat, and tears; at the cost of his own morals and decency and often times, his heart, too. He’d drained himself so much to get where he wanted that that he just couldn’t even be bothered to talk to people. Worst of all: he didn’t even want to be here. None of them did.

And then there was Jaehyun, always all dimpled smiles and crinkly eyes and soft hands. Even when he first met Taeyong, whom he described to Yuta as “the intimidating senior I would never dare to piss off”, he was still smiling so brightly. He stuttered when he told Taeyong his name – which Taeyong had already long known, of course – and his hand was trembling when he shook Taeyong’s, but the smile never left his face.

 _Disgusting_ , Taeyong thought, and he tried not think about how Jaehyun’s smile had caused him to feel something warm inside that he hadn’t felt in a long time. _Absolutely disgusting._

Fast forward to two weeks since then, after they started working together, and Jaehyun had already changed his mind: “Hyung, you’re not as scary as I thought you were.”

Taeyong hit his face with the back of his hand. “The hell did you just say to me?”

Jaehyun was persistant, even when he was holding his nose and wincing in pain. “You’re not as scary as I thought you were…”

Taeyong didn’t hit him the second time even though he was very tempted to do so. He opted to step on Jaehyun’s foot instead, and the yelp that Jaehyun let out was satisfying enough, even if he had to try and focus harder to aim after that instead of letting the weight of Jaehyun’s words fill his mind.

 

 

It took Taeyong a year to realize that it was all just a façade, just like most things in the world _they_ live in. He really should’ve known better.

Taeyong’s only seen Jaehyun cry once in their whole four years together, but it’s not something that he can forget easily. Not when all that he knew of Jaehyun before then was just his always-there smile (brighter than the sun), his kind eyes (fairer than the stars), or his unnerving capability to keep himself under control even when blood splashes on his face.

It was during their second joint mission, Taeyong thinks, when Jaehyun cried in front of him for the first time. The funny thing is he didn’t even do it on purpose. It wasn’t planned, for sure, because Taeyong knew for a fact that nobody in this world of theirs would willingly show some vulnerability. They could never afford that.

Stakeouts are the worst. Taeyong hates waiting, and the core point of stakeouts _is_ waiting, so there’s that. This one stakeout that he did with Jaehyun two years ago, in particular, was awfully tiring. It wasn’t physically taxing, per se, but Taeyong felt like even his _bones_ would scream at him if he’d stayed there in the motel room right across of their target’s office for even a day longer. They were there for almost a goddamn month.

At least he wasn’t alone in his suffering. Jaehyun was there, too, “to learn things from him” Yuta had said – because Taeyong knew Jaehyun had always been Yuta’s favorite, no matter what, despite their differences. Probably because Yuta was there when Jaehyun first joined, but it didn’t matter. At least he didn’t send Doyoung out with him. Forget a month, forget even _a week_ , Taeyong had a bad feeling he wouldn’t even last a day with Doyoung in a stakeout.

They took turns watching the office from the window of their motel room. When Jaehyun was on watching duty, Taeyong went grocery shopping or slept; when Jaehyun was sleeping, Taeyong sat near the window with a book on his lap, looking up every few seconds or so while sending hourly updates to the HQ.

Jaehyun was an okay company – compared to the likes of Doyoung or Yuta, he was actually really wonderful. In the rare moments where they were both awake and in a good enough mood to talk, Jaehyun would sit on the bed and tell Taeyong the funny slash embarrassing stories he’d heard from Johnny during his training days. They were gossiping, basically, but Taeyong enjoyed it nevertheless. It was better than staring mindlessly out of the window anyway. Sometimes Taeyong would tell Jaehyun about the shit _Yuta_ did during his training days, and he knew Yuta wouldn’t find that amusing, but fuck Yuta anyway, who cared about him.

“No way,” Jaehyun said, as he rolled around in the bed laughing when Taeyong finished the story about how Yuta actually mistook Doyoung as an enemy one time in the past. “No way, no fucking way. I’ve always known he’s dumb, but I didn’t realize he’d be this dumb.”

“Honestly, it was splendid,” Taeyong said. “You should’ve seen Johnny’s face when Yuta pointed a gun at Doyoung’s face right in front of us. ‘What the fuck is this bunny-faced scoundrel doing here?’ Jesus Christ. Ten almost killed him right there and then – I kinda wish he really did to this day, to be honest – but then Doyoung said, ‘Dude, I’m your new unit advisor, what are you on’ and I pretty much died.”

Jaehyun let out an ungodly scream of excitement. “Holy shit!”

“Yeah, he’s dumb. Why is he even still alive? I ask that question at least once everyday.”

“Maybe God has other plans for him,” Jaehyun said, ignoring Taeyong’s scoff and his disbelieving _you still believe in God? In this economy?_ “I actually really like him, though.”

“I think we all like Yuta to an extent,” Taeyong admitted. “The guy’s pretty funny when he’s not being an asshole. He’s also really sweet, if you can get it out of him.”

“You’re sweet, too,” Jaehyun suddenly said, and Taeyong tried his best not to whip his head around to check Jaehyun’s expression when he said it, because what the hell was that? “If I can get it out of you. Can I get it out of you, hyung?”

“What are _you_ on?” Taeyong asked flatly, in the exact same tone he knew Doyoung had said it to Yuta years ago during the Yuta-Doyoung incident. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time to mention how his heart suddenly felt like it was in his throat, too, and how he suddenly didn’t feel like seeing Jaehyun’s face ever again.

“Nothing, I’m just saying what’s on my mind,” Jaehyun casually replied. Taeyong wasn’t looking, so he didn’t know, but he heard the sound of Jaehyun leaving the bed. Then suddenly he was there, leaning on the other side of the window. The collar of his shirt was lopsided, and his hair was sticking up everywhere, and Taeyong suddenly and inexplicably remembered about how many times Doyoung had accused him of being a cold-hearted, cold-faced fool, but at the moment he thought Jaehyun looked like nothing but an oversized cuddly bear plushie.

“You should watch your mouth,” Taeyong commented lightly, even though he didn’t really mean it. If this was Jaehyun’s way of flirting with him, then okay, he could take it, maybe. “And your mind, too.”

“Honesty is a virtue,” Jaehyun shot back.

“Not with me it’s not,” Taeyong said. His voice sounded way more bitter than he’d planned. Ouch, no. Please don’t sound bitter to the sweet but really weird newbie, Taeyong Lee. Not now. “Not always, at least.”

“I have no idea what you meant by that, but,” Jaehyun said carefully, “Maybe I don’t care.”

Funny he said that, because later that night when Taeyong was close to nodding off near the window and Jaehyun was fast asleep, he heard the unmistakably sound of someone sniffling, and because there were only the both of them there, Taeyong was suddenly wide awake again. He stood up after a bit, and after another sniffle, he turned on the lamp on the nightstand. Jaehyun was curling up into a ball on his side of the bed, shoulders shaking. Taeyong didn’t know what got into him, but he climbed up to the bed and bent over Jaehyun’s stomach to see his face.

“Jaehyun,” he said, a little worriedly, when he noticed obvious tears trailing down Jaehyun’s sleeping face. Taeyong’s mind went blank. Oh god. “Jaehyun, are you okay?”

Dumb question. Dumb, _dumb_ question. He was clearly crying in his sleep; Jaehyun was definitely not okay, but to be fair, it had been so long since Taeyong last faced the prospect of having to provide emotional comfort to someone. Last time he saw someone cry… when was it, the day before his supposed Death? When he still worked part-time in that god awful daycare?

Jaehyun didn’t move until Taeyong gently shook him awake, and even then, his sleepy eyes were terrifyingly empty for a few seconds straight until Taeyong leaned down closer to press a kiss on Jaehyun’s forehead. What for, Taeyong also didn’t know. It just _felt_ right, somehow. He did that once to Mark too when the boy was still a crybaby, so maybe that was why.

“Bad dream?” Taeyong asked, dropping himself down to the bed when Jaehyun’s hand slid up Taeyong’s arm. Taeyong tried not to wince when Jaehyun inched closer to bury his face in his neck. His breath was warm and nice, but Taeyong wasn’t sure if he was allowed to revel in it. “We don’t have to talk about it. We shouldn’t, actually. I know we’re colleagues, technically, but it’s never suggested for any of us to confide in others, no matter who they might be. It’s not exactly prohibited, but showing emotion isn’t advocated, you know. Code 16, second section says—“

“Hyung,” Jaehyun interrupted, his voice dry and a bit strained. “Ever consider shutting up and actually cuddling a crying man to sleep?”

“Grown men don’t cry,” Taeyong dryly said, even though he didn’t mean it. He knew grown men cry, too. He was one of them. “Even if I want to… _cuddle_ … you, I can’t just leave the window. We’re on a mission here.”

“I’ve never wanted to grow up anyway,” Jaehyun replies. “And let’s be real, it’s three in the friggin’ morning, hyung, what kind of person would do something suspicious at three…” Jaehyun’s voice trailed off as Taeyong stared him down.

“It’s the perfect time to do something suspicious,” Taeyong said, and maybe his mind wasn’t working straight (no pun intended), but at the time he thought Jaehyun’s scowl was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen. Aside from Jaehyun himself. “Nevermind that, I think we can make an exception.”

Taeyong used his thumb to wipe the wetness on Jaehyun’s cheeks dry, and Jaehyun’s scowl vanished – he was smiling now. “Aw, you’re sweeter than I thought.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Taeyong said instinctively, jerking his hand away from Jaehyun’s face. “I’ll leave you here alone to cry and rot.”

“There’s no need to go that far, is there?” Jaehyun said, in a rather teasing tone, and Taeyong swore he should’ve stopped right there and just leave, but then Jaehyun draped another arm around his waist and brought him closer to him. “Sorry. I can’t say I didn’t mean it – because I totally did – but can we stay like this for a little longer?”

Taeyong’s thumb was still wet from Jaehyun’s tears, and Jaehyun’s arm was solid and heavy on top of him, so he couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. Both his morals and Jaehyun’s limbs prevented him from actually doing so.

“Did you have a bad dream?” Taeyong asked again, purposefully choosing not to answer Jaehyun’s last question.

“Nah,” Jaehyun said. Then he paused. “Yeah, actually. It wasn’t a bad dream, though.”

“Then why did you cry?”

“Hyung, for people like _us_ , it’s the good dreams that make us cry,” Jaehyun said. “Because we can’t have that in real life anymore. Are you not the same way? I feel like you’re the same way.”

Jaehyun was right, of course. Taeyong was undeniably the same way.

Taeyong’s silence must’ve been enough confirmation for Jaehyun, because he closed his eyes again. Taeyong noticed, under the light of that sorry excuse of a bed lamp, that his lashes were glistening and damp and oddly beautiful. Suddenly Taeyong thought of the bright Jaehyun he was so used to seeing, the one who was always beaming and brimming with almost childlike positivity, the one who never complained about this world they were forced to live in – the Jaehyun that Taeyong disliked because he thought that kind of nature was unfit for someone whose sole job was to take the life of another. The Jaehyun that Taeyong was irrationally envious of because he seemed like he’d adapted much faster and better than Taeyong had, if ever.

This was _not_ that Jaehyun, and the worst thing was: Taeyong probably liked this Jaehyun better.

He ended up falling asleep with Jaehyun wrapped around him like a boa. They were lucky there was no movement that night, and later in the morning, Taeyong quite regretted the fact that he couldn’t get whatever it was that bothered Jaehyun out of him.

 _It’s okay_ , he thought to himself. _Maybe another time._

 

 

Taeyong witnessed Jaehyun’s first kill, and he’s grateful that he did, really, even if it wasn’t something out of his own free will.

“I need you to watch the kid on his first solo mission,” Doyoung told him on one day, when Taeyong walked in with tired eyes and a cup of coffee. “Dear god, hyung, comb your hair, you look atrocious.”

“Thanks for the totally unneeded compliment,” Taeyong replied, as he sat down in his chair and, just to rile Doyoung up even more, ran his fingers through his hair to make it even messier. “What was that about the kid’s first solo mission?”

“Jaehyun’s going out tonight,” Yuta said from the other end of the room. “Johnny said we should leave him alone, and Doyoung agreed—“

“Sensibly,” Doyoung added.

“—but I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Yuta finished, as if Doyoung had never talked at all.

“And who the hell are you?” Taeyong said, looking at Yuta pointedly. “If Johnny said we should leave Jaehyun alone, then we leave Jaehyun the fuck alone, Nakamoto.”

“But what if he _dies_ ,” Yuta whined.

“Then he dies,” Doyoung and Taeyong said at the same time.

“Don’t be mean, you guys. He’s cute. I want him to be happy. He can’t be happy if he’s dead.”

“Nobody’s happy here, mind you,” Taeyong said, as he put down his coffee and turned on his computer. He tried not to voice out how much he agreed with Yuta’s statement, though. Jaehyun _was_ cute. “Not that we’re forbidden to be happy or anything. We’re just entirely incapable of feeling joy ever again anymore.”

“Well, aren’t you a little ray of sunshine,” Yuta said dryly, after a long uncomfortable pause. “Whatever. I know you like Jaehyun, so please, Taeyong. Go with him.”

“What do you mean I like Jaehyun? I don’t.”

“You do, buddy. You do.”

“What part of _solo mission_ do you not understand, Yuta?” Doyoung interrupted then, which Taeyong appreciated because it made the conversation less deadly and more reasonable for him. “It’s to prove whether he’s fit to be here or not. You know this. Taeyong can’t just join in and do everything for him.”

“Nobody’s joining in anything,” Taeyong commented. “He’ll be fine. He’s good.”

“It’s not his skills I doubt, it’s his emotional wellbeing,” Yuta said, and Taeyong had to look up from his screen because Yuta’s tone was no longer playful, it was pleading now. Yuta rarely talked like this, and even more so rare was him doing it in front of Doyoung. Doyoung must be thinking the same thing, judging from the look on his face. “I know the rules, but I also know you guys aren’t heartless. You know the thing he went through before Johnny brought him in.”

“I actually… don’t know,” Taeyong said slowly, unsurely. This was the truth. He usually made it a habit to check everyone’s profiles, but for some weird reason he always felt reluctant to know anything about Jaehyun that Jaehyun might not want him to know. He’d been willingly keeping himself in the dark since. “I don’t know anything about his old life. What’s wrong with him?”

Doyoung cleared his throat. “It’s pretty nasty so I don’t want to go into details. Let’s just say he was involved in that… high school incident in 2015. Do you remember?”

“What high school incident—oh shit,” Taeyong said, lowering his voice. He vaguely remembered the thing Doyoung was talking about – a school trip that went sour when the group tragically got caught in the middle of a terror act. There were a lot of lives lost that day, and a considerable amount of them were the students. Unquestionably horrifying. “The bloody one in Suncheon? He was _there?_ ”

“He survived that, yeah,” Doyoung said, wincing as he did. “He also—nevermind. Point is, even if Yuta’s worry isn’t exactly groundless, it’s still not our business. Jaehyun’s got to do it alone. If anything, won’t it _free_ him?”

“I need context,” Taeyong said, and he belatedly realized that he’d brought his hand to his mouth and started biting his nails – something he always did whenever he was bothered enough. “You almost said something to me about him. He didn’t just _survive_ , he did something. What was it? What is he trying to escape from?”

Doyoung’s face told Taeyong that he’d started to regret ever telling him anything about this, and Yuta’s face was sour, too. Taeyong didn’t relent, though. He kept staring at the both of them until Yuta finally gave up and sighed.

“Uh, he,” Yuta said, rubbing the back of his neck, “Accidentally killed one of the bad guys. Or two. After they shot one of his friends, I think.”

If Taeyong was still drinking his coffee, he probably would’ve choked. “He _what?_ ”

“It wasn’t even self-defense, technically,” Doyoung murmured. “I read the reports – two of them had their throats cut open. No normal seventeen-years-old does that in self-defense ever. He definitely went for the kill.”

Taeyong stared blankly at his nails. “Adrenaline rush, maybe? How did he even do that? Where did he get the knife?”

“Took it from them,” Yuta replied wryly. “Look, Taeyong, it was really gruesome, even for our standards, alright? I really don’t fancy talking about it. You weren’t there. You don’t know anything.”

Taeyong’s head whipped up so quick he was sure he could’ve snapped his own neck. “You were?”

“Ten was out so Johnny went with me instead.” Yuta shrugged. “Believe me, it’s still a sight I absolutely don’t want anyone to see. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Not even Doyoung.”

“Wow, thanks,” Doyoung said, even though his tone was mild. “I read everything so I know what happened, anyway, but it’s still nice not being the one who had to see the scene with my own eyes. Do you want to see the reports, hyung? I’m pretty sure I had some of the files here in my computer.”

“Nah, I’m good,” Taeyong said. His voice was considerably calm despite the chaos inside of his head. This was a lot to take. “Explains a lot, really.”

“You see why I’m worried now?” Yuta said. “I know it doesn’t show, but he _hates_ himself for it, man. Reasonably so. And now Johnny’s telling him to kill again. He’s gonna succeed, we all know this, but I have a feeling he’s not gonna come home sane. Not that he’s ever been sane since the day we took him, but—“

Taeyong brought up his hand to stop Yuta from talking. “When’s he gonna get dispatched?”

 

 

Taeyong hated himself for this, but he forgot all about it when he watched from the rooftop as Jaehyun, a floor below, took out his gun from his belt and shot his target clean between the eyes. It was a neat move, no hesitation at all – all in all, he did it much better than Taeyong had expected. He almost regretted even humoring Yuta and his stupid useless worry because _what the hell, Jaehyun did just fine,_ but then Jaehyun dropped to his knees and buried his face in his hands, and Taeyong’s first instinct was to jump over the rail and get to him as quickly as possible, even if he would probably just ruin his legs that way.

He didn’t do that, though. His reason got the best of him, and Taeyong ran to the stairs to get to Jaehyun’s floor. He almost slipped while he ran down the steps, pathetically enough, but it didn’t matter. Jaehyun nearly shot him in the chest when Taeyong stooped down next to him – his face was wild, so full of raw emotion he was practically unrecognizable, but the hands he used to hold the gun was trembling. Taeyong quietly and slowly placed his hand on top of Jaehyun’s.

“Hey, dimple,” Taeyong said very carefully, as if he was talking to a small animal. “Calm down. It’s just me. Unless you want me dead, too. If that’s the case, then please. Shoot me, too.”

Jaehyun dropped his hands. “Hyung, what are you doing here?”

“Don’t mind me, I was just passing by,” Taeyong said, and he took Jaehyun’s gun from his hands and slipped it back in the holster on Jaehyun’s belt. Taeyong could smell the strong scent of alcohol on Jaehyun’s jacket – probably because he was in a nightclub earlier while looking for his target. “I definitely wasn’t following you on your first solo just because Yuta’s worried sick, nope.”

Jaehyun let out a long sigh. “Please. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Taeyong said, and he tried his best not to sound so doubtful, he really did, but it got through anyway. “You don’t look okay to me.”

“I’m fine.”

“Jaehyun, I know we now live in a world full of lies, but really? You think I can’t tell when someone’s lying? Shut up and give me your phone.”

“For why—“

Taeyong punched Jaehyun’s arm and the younger winced. “Don’t ask questions,” he said, and Jaehyun reluctantly reached behind for his phone and gave it to Taeyong. “I’m gonna call Yuta and tell him everything’s okay, and _then_ you’re gonna talk to him and tell him everything’s okay. After that let’s get dinner. Got that?”

If Jaehyun was befuddled by Taeyong’s request, he didn’t show it. Taeyong didn’t care if he was, anyway, he had things to do. He sat down on the cold ground and dialled Yuta’s number. He didn’t waste his time at all when Yuta picked up.

“Hey. Your kid’s done a good job and he’s fine. We’re gonna get dinner now. Here’s Jaehyun.” He shoved Jaehyun’s phone back to him. “Talk.”

Jaehyun fumbled with his words – there was a lot of _uh_ s and _um_ s before he finally said, “Hyung, why did you send Taeyong hyung after me?”

Yuta said something Taeyong couldn’t quite catch, but whatever it was, apparently it was scandalous enough that it made Jaehyun choke on his own spit.

“Jesus,” Taeyong said in faux disgust, and he shifted away from Jaehyun as the younger coughed and patted his own chest to stop the wheezing.

Yuta started saying something else, but Jaehyun yelled a hurried “goodbye now!” at the screen and ended the call. Taeyong was pleased to see that Jaehyun looked less disturbed now, even if it was because Yuta had probably trashtalked him. He made a mental note to interrogate Yuta about it later. His train of thoughts was interrupted when Jaehyun said, “Should I call in the cleaners now?”

“You do that,” Taeyong said, and for a second there, they both looked at the dead man lying a few feet away from them, dark red liquid pooling underneath the lifeless body. Taeyong grimaced. Ew. Good thing he never had to deal with cleaning things up. He didn’t like getting blood on his shirt, even if he was a neat freak. Or was it exactly because he was a neat freak? Nevermind. “I’ll get the car, ‘kay?”

Most of the restaurants were already closed because it was late, so they ended up getting food from the drive-in. Taeyong stopped the car near the empty bridge a little bit out of town, where he and Jaehyun ate with their legs dangling above the swishing river below them. Taeyong didn’t like the milkshake, so he switched it with Jaehyun’s iced tea. For whatever reason, Jaehyun obediently took the drink from Taeyong even if Taeyong knew he didn’t like it all that much either. It tasted weird.

They sat in silence for a long time before Taeyong finally asked, “How did it feel to finally kill again?”

It was probably not the best thing ever to say right now. That much was evident from the way Jaehyun’s breath hitched and the way his fingers turned rigid on top of his knees, but Taeyong knew precisely what he was asking. He wanted to know, and he figured things just couldn’t get worse than they already were. _Plus_ , he thought to himself, _always strike while the iron’s hot._

“Hyung,” Jaehyun finally responded, after another long pause. His tone was grave. “Did you read my files?”

“Nope.” Taeyong flicked a small pebble sitting in between him and Jaehyun. It made a soft _thwack_ sound against his nail before it flew and fell into the river. “I talked a bit with Yuta and Doyoung earlier this afternoon. You can’t just expect me to watch over some newbie’s first solo for no reason, now, can’t you?”

Jaehyun sighed. “No. No, you can’t,” he said rather dejectedly. “It’s just, uh, I’m still not over the fact that you actually went through all that trouble just to make sure I’m fine.”

“It was nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“That’s not what I meant. Why… why you, and not Yuta hyung, if he’s the worried one?” Jaehyun turned slightly to look at Taeyong. “Why you, hyung?”

Taeyong pondered over this for awhile. Why was he here, indeed? It literally wasn’t his problem. If anything, Yuta should’ve been the one sitting here next to Jaehyun. He’d probably be a better company than Taeyong in this situation, if anything.

“I honestly don’t know,” Taeyong replied frankly. “What did Yuta say earlier?”

Jaehyun snorted out loud. “It was pure bullshit, you don’t want to know.”

“At least ninety percent of Yuta is bullshit, honestly,” Taeyong said. He noticed how Jaehyun refused to look at him in the eyes now that he’d brought this up. “You haven’t answered me, Jaehyun. I wasn’t insensitively teasing you, I was asking you a real question.”

“Yeah, uh,” Jaehyun said. “That was really quite insensitive though.”

“Mm, only if you’re weak,” Taeyong said sweetly, and Jaehyun looked at him, face scrunched in an _are you for real right now_ kind of frown. Taeyong smiled at him. “You’re not weak, aren’t you, dimple?”

“I never thought you’d be this type of person,” Jaehyun said, after he’d looked away from Taeyong again. “This intrusive,” he added, when Taeyong didn’t say anything else. “This… caring, really.”

“This isn’t about me, though. This is about you.”

“If I remember correctly, Code 16 second section says—“

Taeyong grabbed Jaehyun by the collar of his shirt to pull him closer and kiss him. Jaehyun closed his eyes the moment their lips met, and his hand moved to cup the back of Taeyong’s neck, squeezing gently. The way he kissed Taeyong back just as keen made him sure that Jaehyun wasn’t really surprised by this sudden development, and Taeyong wondered just how long had Jaehyun wanted to do this – then he wondered just how long _he_ had wanted to do this, but was too hesitant to even realize it himself.

“Hyung,” Jaehyun said, when Taeyong forced himself to pull away, or else he might lose to the temptation of pushing Jaehyun down onto the ground and eat his face. Not because he thought Jaehyun would mind, but because it was unsanitary as hell. “Hyung, if you’re gonna kiss me everytime you think I’m upset, maybe I should kill people more often.”

Taeyong smacked him and said, “Don’t joke about this. It’s not funny,” before he kissed Jaehyun again.

 

 

Taeyong doesn’t want to admit this, but whenever he feels like Jaehyun’s close to getting lost in himself again, Taeyong’s preferable method of saving him is _indeed_ distracting him with a kiss.

That includes today, when Jaehyun walks in after Johnny with hooded eyes and questionably thin lips. Taeyong only needs one glance to know something’s off, and even after that he needs to constantly remind himself that he has a rep and a rank to maintain, or else he would just walk up to Jaehyun in the middle of the meeting and drag him out of there.

When the whole thing’s done and Doyoung’s busy handling the reports, Taeyong stands up and does exactly what he’s been wanting to do. He circles his hand around Jaehyun’s wrist – who’s been sitting stiffly all this time, face blank – and tugs at it gently. “Fresh air,” Taeyong murmurs, and even if Jaehyun looks like he isn’t down for it, he sighs and follows Taeyong outside. Taeyong tries to ignore the horribly knowing look Yuta gives him as they leave the room. He can deal with that one later.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Jaehyun immediately says, as soon as they’re in a safe distance away from the meeting room. “I’m fine, I swear.”

“The fact that you’re telling me this when I haven’t even said anything yet proves otherwise,” Taeyong says, and he looks around to make sure the hallway’s empty before he steps closer to Jaehyun, quietly pressing him up against the wall. Jaehyun raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t push Taeyong away.

“I mean,” he continues, and he leans down a little so Taeyong can kiss him without having to strain his neck too much, “I’m not _fine_ fine, but none of us here are, anyway.”

“Exactly,” Taeyong confirms. His hands creep up to cup Jaehyun’s face, and he smiles before he kisses him. Jaehyun’s lips are dry, probably because he’s stressed, but it’s alright; Taeyong’s tongue can fix that later. Jaehyun sighs against Taeyong’s mouth as if he’s irked, but he kisses him back just as eager. His hand glides down from Taeyong’s shoulder to the his waist to the small of his back, and Taeyong lets out an approving hum when he pulls him even closer than he already is, their bodies flushed together.

They only stop when they hear footsteps coming closer to where they are. Taeyong detaches himself from Jaehyun so quick he almost tumbles back, while Jaehyun’s breath hitches so sharply it’s worrying. Taeyong presses his back against the opposite wall from Jaehyun as Doyoung and Yuta’s voice become even clearer than ever – they’re arguing as always. When they appear from the corner, Yuta’s eyes are immediately on Taeyong, while Doyoung just keeps on rambling about whatever the hell it is that they’re fighting about.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asks suspiciously, after he puts up a hand in front of Doyoung’s face to shut him up. Strangely enough, Doyoung _does_ shut up then, and is now also eyeing both of them.

“Talking,” Jaehyun answers before Taeyong could even think to erase the undoubtedly guilt-ridden expression he has on his face. “We were just talking.”

“Yeah, right,” Yuta says, and it seems like he has some more things to say, but Doyoung interrupts him with a sharp smack to his arm. “Ouch! What was that for, asshole?”

“We have more important things to worry about than these two sucking face in the hallway, Yuta,” Doyoung says in a strained voice. “Like the unidentified dispatcher you encountered in your last mission. That smells like trouble.”

“Just shut up and go, both of you,” Taeyong says tiredly. He jerks his head toward the direction of the door, and Yuta snorts, but says nothing else as he passes the both of them. Doyoung’s still muttering something under his breath, but Taeyong pays him no heed; his eyes find Jaehyun’s once again, and even though it’s faint, Taeyong can read that he’s still distraught.

Maybe Taeyong should kiss him more before he starts asking questions.

 

 

“Don’t you find it weird that we kill people for a living,” Jaehyun says one day, “But you’re like, the kindest soul I know.”

Taeyong’s a trained assassin; he’s taught himself not to get surprised even by even the most horrible of things. Then there’s Jaehyun, singlehandedly tearing down his defenses and everything he’s ever known, wearing that goddamned dimpled smile while he’s at it. Absolutely disgusting. Taeyong says exactly this, no context, as he looks at Jaehyun over the sizzling pan of stir-fry on the stove.

Jaehyun just laughs. “What?” he asks. “It’s just my morning thoughts.”

“If I remember correctly, I told you to do the laundry, not tell me what the hell’s on your mind,” Taeyong says. “Do that first and we’ll talk.”

“No, wait,” Jaehyun says, and Taeyong can’t decide if he’s doing this out of the kindness (and strangeness) of his heart or he simply just doesn’t want to do his chores, “But don’t you think that’s super contradictory?”

“Everything about us is contradictory,” Taeyong deadpans.

A pause.

“Why are you so serious about this?” Jaehyun whines. “I was just trying to say that I’m literally in love with everything that you are.”

Taeyong points at Jaehyun with his spatula, cheeks warm. “Laundry.”

“Hyung, I love you.”

“Laundry, Jaehyun.”

“ _Taeyong_ , I love you.”

Taeyong’s hand wraps itself around the salt shaker, ready to hurl it at Jaehyun if he doesn’t stop talking soon, but Jaehyun soon scrams with an ungodly shriek following his trail. Taeyong huffs and puts the shaker back down. _What even._

Jaehyun comes back half an hour later, smelling strongly like detergent when he leans over the kitchen counter to kiss Taeyong. Taeyong doesn’t deny him this time.

 

 

Jaehyun doesn’t cry in his sleep anymore, but maybe that’s because Taeyong’s started sleeping with him. Often times when he wakes up in the middle of the night, Jaehyun’s face is dry and there’s a stupidly bright smile on his face, which is totally sickening in Taeyong’s opinion. And also cute. But more sickening.

“You don’t cry anymore,” Taeyong remarks in the morning, when Jaehyun’s rolled on his stomach, one arm thrown over Taeyong’s chest and lips pressing a wet kiss on Taeyong’s open shoulder. Nice. “No more bad dreams?”

“Please, that was years ago,” Jaehyun says. “But yeah, no more bad dreams. At least not when you’re around.”

**Author's Note:**

> it's happy 1 year anniversary to ao3 user akajung!! i first started off with jaeyong so i figured i should celebrate with jaeyong, too. to everyone who has supported me all this time, i appreciate every single comment and kudos ;; thank you for being here with me ;u;
> 
> regarding this au, i just took basically everything from an original universe i've already had and applied it to jaeyong so if something isn't clear enough or if you have some q's, don't hesitate to ask away here or in my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/231107)! tysm for reading <3


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